Randy Giles

Tabula Rasa

Oh, pouty!
                      Look at that lip... gonna get it...

Willow does a spell that goes wrong — again — and the Scoobies, along with Spike, lose their memories.

The witch wants Buffy to forget she was in Heaven (and thus stop suffering from being ripped off there by her friends), and Tara to forget about a fight she and Willow have just had. In front of the fireplace at the Summers' house, she sets on fire [Lethe's Bramble]; next, she approaches to the fire a crystal, which will turn black when the spell starts working.

Later, Buffy, Giles, Xander, Willow, Tara, Dawn and Anya are all at the [Magic Box]; Giles is about to tell them he is going to return to England, when Spike bursts through the door, smoking from the sun light. He wears a suit and a bow tie, and everyone stares at him. He says he needs asylum because he is running away from a bloke to whom he owns kittens.*

*Kitten poker, remember? Clem and Spike play it on Life Serial.

Meanwhile at Buffy's house, instead of one crystal, a bunch of them burn in the fire place, and suddenly all people at the Magic Box pass out.

When they wake up, hours later, they try to guess who they are by checking their driver's licenses (Giles and Xander) or college's IDs (Willow and Tara). Dawn is wearing a necklace with her name on it, Anya finds out her name (and Gile's) in some Magic Box forms, Buffy names herself "Joan".

At first, Spike doesn't know he is an Englishman; when he notices his own accent, he concludes he is Gile's son — Giles vehemently disagree, he thinks they can be brothers...

Oh, listen to Mary Poppins. He's got his crust all stiff and upper with that nancy-boy accent. You Englishmen are always so... Bloody hell! Sodding, blimey, shagging, knickers, bollocks... oh God! I'm English!

Next, Spike figures out his name is Randy because he finds a label on the inside of his suit jacket that reads "made with care for Randy":

'Made with care for Randy.' Randy Giles? Why not just call me 'Horny Giles,' or 'Desperate for a Shag Giles'? I knew there was a reason I hated you!

After analyzing the situation, all agree that something is very wrong, and Joan tells them they need to go to the hospital — Randy points out that she is very bossy. They discuss how they will get to the hospital, and Randy has an idea:

Dad can drive. He's bound to have some classic midlife-crisis transport. Something red, shiny, shaped like a penis.

And Giles does have a red, shiny, shaped like a penis car...

However, when they open the door to leave, they see a bunch of vampires and their fangs, and scream in terror. Joan slams the door shut. They are amazed that monsters do exist!


The vampires yell they want Spike, and the people inside the shop think they want "spikes". Randy rushes to pick up a bunch of stakes, and shows them to the Scoobies. The vampires also want the Slayer, and the scared group think they want to "slay her, a female someone"...

The vampires enter the Magic shop — they don't need an invitation, because it's a public place — and one of them goes after Randy, saying he owes them kittens; as he doesn't have a clue about what would be these "kittens", he gives them the bunch of "spikes" he had just found...

Joan fights another vamp, and beats him easily; then she sees Randy is in danger, and goes to him. She saves the day dusting the vampire:

Hey! Stay away from Randy!

The Scoobies and Randy are very surprised by Joan's ability; she thinks she is a super hero!

Willow and Xander find out the trap door in the basement, which leads to the sewer. Joan decide she and Randy will fight the vamps, while the others will go to the hospital through the sewers. Anya disagree, she wants to stay, and protect the cash register, and do some spells; Giles, her "fiancι", stays with her.

Joan: We need to go. Ready, Randy?
Randy: Ready, Joan.

Before leaving, "daddy" Giles wants to say goodbye to his son Randy, show some affection... They hug awkwardly; Randy pushes Giles away.

Joan and Randy leave the Magic Box, and the vamps attack them. They fight back, and, without realizing, Randy puts his game face. He gets very happy when he finds out that he has super strength, too — he is a super hero like Joan! On the other hand, Joan doesn't like what she sees; she runs toward Randy, and straddles him, stake in hand:

Joan: You're a vampire!
Randy: How can you say- I, me, a vampire? No.
Joan: Check the lumpies. And the teeth. I kill your kind.
Randy: And I bite yours. So how come I don't wanna bite you? And why am I fightin' other vampires? I must be a noble vampire. A good guy. On a mission of redemption. I help the hopeless. I'm a vampire with a soul.
Joan: A vampire with a soul? Oh my god, how lame is that?

Randy is now walking and talking:

Randy: I'm a hero really. I mean, to be cast such an ugly lot in life and then to rise above it. To seek out better, nobler things. It's inspirational, isn't it? And the two of us... natural enemies, thrown together to stand against the forces of darkness. Utter trust. No thought of me biting you, no thought of you staking me.

The vampires attack again, and, in the middle of the fight, the spell is broken — Xander's foot has just smashed the crystal that had dropped from Willow's pocket, while they were in the sewers. Joan & Randy are no more. Spike dusts two vampires, while the Shark Demon approaches and, seeming now a little afraid of Spike and The Slayer, says he doesn't need the kittens anymore. But Spike says he is no welsher and will pay his debt.


That's Randy's short story. Even not knowing about the [chip] in his head, Spike didn't want to hurt Buffy, or any human for that matter. He was a noble vampire without a soul. On a mission of redemption. How lame is that? ;)